When I was seventeen, I threw away a thousand pages journal I had spent my three years of life writing it. She asked me why recently and I couldn't answer her for I was afraid that she would find out that she had had lost her daughter to sadness long long time ago.

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Before you came
My life was filled with darkness
It shielded the light and the sunshine

I was afraid of life
So I spent my days and nights
In a closed underground room

I reminded myself everyday
"Don't go out or you'll get yourself hurt."
Until you came and changed everything

You brought the light
I had been missing
And shone your way through into my life

I wondered if Heaven sent me an angel
And I also wondered why you had no wings
You must be one of those angels without wings

You took my hands
And lead me to the outside world
The one I was most afraid of

The day surely felt different
When the sun rays got into my eyes
And softly caressed my skin

The night was beautiful
The moon and the stars
The constellation and the cold air

My life changed
I learned how to smile and laugh
And see the world in a different view

But when you were gone
You took your life with you
And a part of me that I would never get back

n.m

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It's been over a month

Since you left

Without any last words

Or a single goodbye

I'm left heartbroken

With pieces of my heart

Separated from one another

On the floor

The flowers I grew

In the garden of my ribcage

Are now withering

And their petals are falling

n.m

My Thoughts

It's this time of the year again, when everything just hurts and blessed, all at once. I don't know how to start this story when really there can be so many explanations that we would never hear; the truthful story of Kris's departure for over a month from EXO, at the brink of their second comeback. Beforehand, I need you to know what I'm going to write is not the truthful story on this matter as it's only my thoughts put into words.

So, let me begin.

At this time of the year last year, Kris went back to Guangzhou and Canada and had no tracks of him at all for over a month. Fans were worried and the rumour just wouldn't stop surfacing. For example, there is a rumour about Kris leaving EXO. Is it just a rumour? I can't say for sure. But, it was said that Kris gave up on becoming a celebrity and decided to quit EXO during the time when they were preparing for their first comeback. It was too hard on him because SM kept on turning down the offer he got from China, just like what SM did to Luhan a few months back. SM.... at times can be too racist in promoting their artists. But, the quitting wasn't going too well as he was in contract with SM and you really don't want to know what's going to happen if you violate that contract. So, he came back and fans were relieved but then the rumour of Yixing not wanting him in EXO surfaced. Well, I don't think Yixing did not want him in the group anymore. Yixing as a person would never wish that for his members. He was just mad at Kris, for leaving out of sudden. They were best friends and he lost one in a hard situation, especially with the hard life they have to endure in such foreign land. I would be mad too if I were Yixing.

But now, I believe they have resolved the problem. Even fanxing ship is sailing so well these days. 

Kris, is a person that I really adore. He is my second after a group of people that I respect and love. Kris didn't really do well at the beginning of his debut. He wasn't the best dancer nor rapper. During MAMA era, he was positioned at the back and it hurt so much actually that as a fan, I had to watch him being treated like that. But I used to believe that slowly, people will notice him and he would get his chance. Knowing EXO from the start, I get the privilege to see them grow with my own two eyes, to be like a proud mom when her kids get little recognition. Today, not only Kris is growing slowly into a good rapper, but he is also known as one of the great dancers in EXO after one of their choreographers released EXO's Dubstep Intro's video. He also sings these days. He got the chance to prove his singing ability on a Chinese radio show hosted by Zhou Mi, Jia and Fei. He sang 'Rainbow', a song by Jay Chou with Yixing. As is that's not enough, Kevin Shin, who is also an artist under SM released a song (Lullaby/Mom) he collaborated with Kris during their trainee's days which proves incredible development of Kris's talents.

You see, as a fan, I don't want to be worried of Kris and I want to stop worrying about him but why especially at this time of the year, this issue has to surface again. It is true that when EXO was said to be featured in Seoul Fashion Week, I thought he would be walking down the runway as one of the models. But, I was wrong and everyone was wrong. Maybe, it's true that SM didn't want to give him chances despite knowing his dream of becoming a runway model. Kris, once said in a Chinese tv show that one of his dreams is to walk on runway. I remember they even gave him a chance to pretend like he's on runway. But again, my thoughts don't prove anything. I have my belief that one day, he'll get his chance. I want to keep believing on that but what if this one dream is not meant for him? Would he be living happily after all of this? Would him giving up on basketball be really worthy of a try to this one dream? I have so many unanswered questions and it will probably never have its answers. 

On a radio show, Kris was asked of his ultimate dream and he said he has always wanted to be a basketball player but this current life he is living is pretty good too. At least, he still gets to play basketball with the people he loves and sometimes he was invited to play basketball on tv. For example, Cool Kidz on the Block and Dream Team where he won Most Valuable Player (MVP) in both shows. You know Kris can be very serious when he plays basketball. He takes basketball as if it is his life. What make him gave up his ultimate dream? No one knows.

What I have always wanted for Kris is for him to be happy wherever he is, in whichever dreams he is living and with whoever he is living that dream. That's all I would ask as a fan. For him to be happy. His smile is so important to me and his tears is the one thing my eyes want to avoid seeing. So Kris, promise me that you would be happy so I can be happy too.

Happy Second Anniversary of Kris'a Debut Teaser

Is it already two years since your debut teaser? Time really flies so fast. It's been two years since I hit my rock bottom and you saved me. Everything about you is beautiful and you have this ray of lights illuminating from every pore of your skin. You are a great person to me, Yifan and all I want for you is to be happy in this short lives of ours. The decision you took five years ago, I hope it worths every single moment you're experiencing now; the fame, new friendships you have made in this industry, the love you create among your brothers and the love you receive from fans all over the world. You are doing very well these two years and I hope it will continue for a very long time. I want you to live you dream and never regret a single decision you have ever made in your past to stand on this spot of your life today. And I hope you stay the way you are; a very humble person, a great leader who guides the others well, a partner who Junmyeon can lean for when he needs support. Be that person that I am always proud of. Anyway, happy second anniversary of your debut teaser.

p/s: If I can explain you in words, I would say "You are my world."

Kris Wu: Demon in Disguise

Kris Wu: An Unknown Body I Fell in Love With

Three years ago,
I was hell bound,
with what you were,
and what I was.

You were walking,
in denim pants and jackets,
crossing the road,
with a brother of yours.

I fell in love,
with an unknown body,
so hard,
my rib cage broke into two.

n.m on Kris Wu

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Sometimes,
love is nice,
when it doesn't hurt,
as much as hell.

Sometimes,
love is nice,
when you are here,
all the time.

Sometimes,
love is nice,
only when I am asleep,
and dreaming.

n.m