Hey, Kris or should I call you by your real name now I don't know, this is my first time writing to you on my blog and not in my journal and I am not used to this and I can feel my hands shaking and my heart beating so fast because I feel like I am writing this to you and do you know what is the funniest thing is I AM WRITING THIS TO YOU. It feels weird. It really does.
You might not know me, but I know about you like hell a lot. You bet. Oh dear god I am sorry I am writing to you again and I am sorry that I am such a bubbly person and a wreck the next. That is just who I am. I can't even control myself anymore.
It is sad.
It is.
I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me like literally the whole space between the sky and the Earth and the space between the stars on the universe. I guess it is countless but that is the point of loving right, countless.
Some nights like tonight, I feel the need to write about you. Usually, I write about you in my journal but I guess invisible lightning stroke me when I got out this evening. It was raining really hard and now I am writing to you on my freaking blog at 4.42 in the morning. I can see myself going crazy do you know how crazy that sounds?
Ugh, I need to get to my letter to you actually. Where were we?
Oh yeah, I just saw a photo of you again ha how strange it is to say this because I am always seeing your photos, on my phone, on my laptop screen, I have my walls wallpapered with your face and I talk to you in the morning when I wake up and before I go to bed so seeing your photo is literally my daily routine and just a moment ago, I saw your photo, playing basketball and you're looking happy and you're smiling and I miss you again.
We have never met like you know..... up close but I have met you, yeah literally actually when I went to MTV World Stage.
Was that a meeting actually?
No, of course not.
I am sorry again, I get delusional at times.
But yeah, I saw you and I missed you that night when I got home and I miss you again tonight after seeing your photo. I swear to God, I can see my other self erking at me saying how ridiculous it is for me to miss someone who practically does not even know my existence and I want to yell at her that you know about my existence because I am your fan and God and all the planets in this universe and EXO know that fans existed.
I miss you so much I feel like my heart is exploding like when Nagasaki got bombed and everyone was scared because of the fire and the radiation and people dying. And I am scared. I am because I know how this letter will never reach you and you wouldn't even read it and it hurts me a lot.
I wonder myself to sleep how can an angel like you with hidden wings hurt me? And I talk to your posters again because it feels nice to talk to you even though we all know how stupid it is to talk to posters. I told you one night, that I like you because you like reading books and because you are tall. I like boys who read books and are tall. I think books are the only thing that make me talk to a person and music. It engages me with the outside world. I figure if you know about books and since you are someone who is in music industry you must like music too, maybe I can talk to you someday and we could be friends or maybe I can stay as just a fan. But, I want to be that fan who talk to his idol and get recognized for having the same interest as you are but God knows how many people love books and music as I am and you are. So, I guess, I will never get recognized ever and that hurts me again.
Thinking back, you have brought me pain too. But, you saved me. That is more important. I wish I can tell you in what way you have saved me but that would be another long story. And I have no time.
Sometimes, it gets me thinking, if you are not someone famous, would there be a chance for you and I to meet and become friends? If you stay as a normal student, would there be a chance for you to come to my country and be placed in my school as an exchange students and I would bump into you with Wuthering Heights and stumble in front of you and you would pick it up and ask me if I read this book and I will say of course I am reading it, it fell from my hands for God's sake and I will disperse into hundreds of students running in the hallway and you will never see me again and I will ask myself if there is a stupider person than you for asking me if I am reading a book that falls from my hands.
All I need is a chance but a chance is all I lose.
All I need is a chance but a chance is all I lose.
Have you ever read Wuthering Heights? It is such a nice story. I am not a classic person but I like classic books. They tell more than just a love story.
But, again, this is all my thoughts.
P/s: This one is for you.
I pour my thoughts in a blank white page
You come and make a cameo
So I write about you
In a long paragraph
From only a page
To a thousand pages book
And you never leave
Since then.
n.m
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